"What must you do to avoid it?" I deliberated a moment; my answer, when it did come, was objectionable: "I must keep in good health, and not die." "How can you keep in good health? Children younger than you die daily. I buried a little child of five years old only a day or two since,--a good little child, whose soul is now in heaven. It is to be feared the same could not be said of you were you to be called hence." Not being in a condition to remove his doubt, I only cast my eyes down on the two large feet planted on the rug, and sighed, wishing myself far enough away. "I hope that sigh is from the heart, and that you repent of ever having been the occasion of discomfort to your excellent benefactress." "Benefactress! benefactress!" said I inwardly: "they all call Mrs. Reed my benefactress; if so, a benefactress is a disagreeable thing." "Do you say your prayers night and morning?" continued my interrogator. "Yes, sir." "Do you read your Bible?" "Sometimes." "With pleasure? Are you fond of it?" "I like Revelations, and the book of Daniel, and Genesis and Samuel, and a little bit of Exodus, and some parts of Kings and Chronicles, and Job and Jonah." "And the Psalms? I hope you like them?" "No, sir." "No? oh, shocking! I have a little boy, younger than you, who knows six Psalms by heart: and when you ask him which he would rather have, a gingerbread-nut to eat or a verse of a Psalm to learn, he says: 'Oh! the verse of a Psalm! angels sing Psalms;' says he, 'I wish to be a little angel here below;' he then gets two nuts in recompense for his infant piety." "Psalms are not interesting," I remarked. "That proves you have a wicked heart; and you must pray to God to change it: to give you a new and clean one: to take away your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh."
Friday 20 March 2009
Leave out all the rest
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Having been in that place most of the week it's hard to find something to offer you in the way of advice. You ARE doing all the right things though Han, you are being honest - that is bloody hard, and asking for help is even harder, but shows bravery if you ask me. It's horrible not being able to see the good in anything, but knowing it's just a slightly off perception sometimes makes it easier to beat ourselves up. Please keep talking to your GP, and being honest as you can. I'm really glad you spoke to your old friend too. Is he going to be around again do you think? It might help if you had someone you could be totally honest with,without feel of repercussions. Stay safe matey, don't think no one cares about you, OK?
ReplyDeleteLola x
That was a lovely comment, thank you. Honesty is difficult but I guess otherwise I'd never get any help, I really hope you're being honest too and telling your doctors how you're feeling.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping my friend will be around for a while at least, he's someone who it's very easy to be honest with. We both just say what we think which I guess can be good sometimes. I just always feel that there's only so much honesty that you can share, most people really can't handle it if their friends admit that they're suicidal.
Yes I know thanks, and the same to you, hang in there! x
Oh! i so understand what you mean about crying in front of professionals...one session, i was basically in tears the whole time, but from the psychiatrist's basic non-reaction (cold), one would never know it. A few words of comfort, would that be so hard, right?
ReplyDeleteThe pills and vodka thing is scary...have been there too, many times...oh, Hannah, please, take care of yourself!!
sending love and hugs,
tracy
Yes health professionals are very good at remaining completely calm and emotionless in those situations, you'd think they'd be trained to be a bit more comforting!
ReplyDeleteThanks, you too