Sunday 3 May 2009

My head

They went, shutting the door, and locking it behind them.  The red-room was a square chamber, very seldom slept in, I might say never, indeed, unless when a chance influx of visitors at Gateshead Hall rendered it necessary to turn to account all the accommodation it contained: yet it was one of the largest and stateliest chambers in the mansion.  A bed supported on massive pillars of mahogany, hung with curtains of deep red damask, stood out like a tabernacle in the centre; the two large windows, with their blinds always drawn down, were half shrouded in festoons and falls of similar drapery; the carpet was red; the table at the foot of the bed was covered with a crimson cloth; the walls were a soft fawn colour with a blush of pink in it; the wardrobe, the toilet-table, the chairs were of darkly polished old mahogany.  Out of these deep surrounding shades rose high, and glared white, the piled- up mattresses and pillows of the bed, spread with a snowy Marseilles counterpane.  Scarcely less prominent was an ample cushioned easy-chair near the head of the bed, also white, with a footstool before it; and looking, as I thought, like a pale throne.  This room was chill, because it seldom had a fire; it was silent, because remote from the nursery and kitchen; solemn, because it was known to be so seldom entered.  The house-maid alone came here on Saturdays, to wipe from the mirrors and the furniture a week's quiet dust: and Mrs. Reed herself, at far intervals, visited it to review the contents of a certain secret drawer in the wardrobe, where were stored divers parchments, her jewel-casket, and a miniature of her deceased husband; and in those last words lies the secret of the red-room--the spell which kept it so lonely in spite of its grandeur.  Mr. Reed had been dead nine years: it was in this chamber he breathed his last; here he lay in state; hence his coffin was borne by the undertaker's men; and, since that day, a sense of dreary consecration had guarded it from frequent intrusion.  My seat, to which Bessie and the bitter Miss Abbot had left me riveted, was a low ottoman near the marble chimney-piece; the bed rose before me; to my right hand there was the high, dark wardrobe, with subdued, broken reflections varying the gloss of its panels; to my left were the muffled windows; a great looking-glass between them repeated the vacant majesty of the bed and room.  I was not quite sure whether they had locked the door; and when I dared move, I got up and went to see.  Alas! yes: no jail was ever more secure.  Returning, I had to cross before the looking- glass; my fascinated glance involuntarily explored the depth it revealed. All looked colder and darker in that visionary hollow than in reality: and the strange little figure there gazing at me, with a white face and arms specking the gloom, and glittering eyes of fear moving where all else was still, had the effect of a real spirit: I thought it like one of the tiny phantoms, half fairy, half imp, Bessie's evening stories represented as coming out of lone, ferny dells in moors, and appearing before the eyes of belated travellers.  I returned to my stool.

7 comments:

  1. Aye, you should eat 5 fruit and veg a day, too, and participate in 20 mins+ aerobic exercise three times a week. It's much, much easier to know what you should do than to actually do it, so don't beat yourself up about it if you don't turn into the perfect student overnight? And you know what? Give yourself permission to eat and enjoy chocolate. Over-eating is unhealthy, but if you're stressed and studying and chocolate helps you cope it's by far the lesser evil. I agree with you about avoiding/cutting down on the drink though, just because it seems to intensify our unhappiness.

    Alternatively, ask yourself what the fuck does la know and disregard :)

    I know what you mean about bringing up boy stuff with your therapist. I find it awkward and embarrassing, too, to speak about such personal feelings. I'd rather tuck them in a folder marked 'past' and move on. But if they won't stay filed away, then I suppose it's important we talk about them.

    Good luck in your essays/exams x

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  2. Wow, that last paragraph is so familiar it's fucking scary. A helpful thing a T told me once on the general topic...

    You don't *have* to do anything. It's your time, your free will, your life to lead.

    It meant something to me because it made me feel less skin-crawlingly trapped in a hideous box of my own design but maybe I've just watched one too many Hellraiser movies ;)

    But seriously, from the ex-bf stuff and the state, I'm guessing it's not that far-fetched for me to suggest that you might benefit from feeling like there's a little breathing room in your life. Even if it does currently only come in the form of a choice about whether to have another tub of ice cream/Voddy or not.

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  3. Sounds pretty rubbish, but as both before have said, drinking too much and drowning your sorrows in icecream is not that bad in the big scheme of things. Giving yourself a hard time over going through a hard time? Well that just sounds familiar :) The sense of duty to be doing something other than you are doing is so common with depression, that idea that there is another life we should be leading but are too weak/pathetic/lazy to make the grade. *sighs* good luck for the appointment, I guess these things are better out than in.

    Lola x

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  4. That does sound rubbish. Your right about cutting down on alcohol, but creating hard and fast rules like no chocolate or ice cream and lots of library will be difficult. Why not make a few small steps that are easily achievale and will make you feel pleased when you achieve them? Really hope things pick up for you. Hannah X

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  5. Hi La, thanks. I know it's ok to eat some junk occasionally (and I do it a lot) but I'm just worried about putting on more weight which of course stresses me out more. I would love to tuck things away in folders too, unfortunately the folders never stay closed and thoughts always come drifting out. Thanks, lots of time in the library will hopefully solve the essay panic. Hope you're doing ok too x

    Catatonic Kid - I'm going to remember that, it actually makes me feel a little better yeah and I didn't think words could do that! I do need some breathing room it's true, I guess I should be grateful that I do have choice or something. Thanks, that was some good advice x

    Hey Lola, I think we both need to take your advice! Hope you're ok. I hate the stupid sense of duty, it really messes with my head. I guess the ice cream at any rate isn't so bad and it was Ben & Jerry's cookie dough - yum! x

    Hannah - Hi, I suppose small steps are better and easier, I just keep thinking of all the things I should be doing (it's the sense of duty that Lola's talking about) and berating myself for sitting around doing nothing and eating bad food when I know I hate my current weight. It's the negative thinking that therapy dude is trying to stop! Hope things get better for you too x

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  6. hi Hannah, hope things go better today than you expected - therapy can be a struggle but i guess long-term it will pay off. Maybe expecting too much of yourself is your biggest issue? Take care

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  7. Hi lifeofchuckles, yeah therapy wasn't actually so bad, we didn't really go into anything overly deep which works for me! I think you're right, everyone here seems to be telling me that I'm trying to do too much and expecting too much of myself, I think that's always been a weak point of mine! Thanks

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