Wednesday 13 May 2009

Do other people feel like this?

The two ships becalmed on a torpid sea, I believed to be marine phantoms.  The fiend pinning down the thief's pack behind him, I passed over quickly: it was an object of terror.  So was the black horned thing seated aloof on a rock, surveying a distant crowd surrounding a gallows.  Each picture told a story; mysterious often to my undeveloped understanding and imperfect feelings, yet ever profoundly interesting: as interesting as the tales Bessie sometimes narrated on winter evenings, when she chanced to be in good humour; and when, having brought her ironing-table to the nursery hearth, she allowed us to sit about it, and while she got up Mrs. Reed's lace frills, and crimped her nightcap borders, fed our eager attention with passages of love and adventure taken from old fairy tales and other ballads; or (as at a later period I discovered) from the pages of Pamela, and Henry, Earl of Moreland.  With Bewick on my knee, I was then happy: happy at least in my way.  I feared nothing but interruption, and that came too soon.  The breakfast- room door opened.  "Boh!  Madam Mope!" cried the voice of John Reed; then he paused: he found the room apparently empty.  "Where the dickens is she!" he continued.  "Lizzy!  Georgy! (calling to his sisters) Joan is not here: tell mama she is run out into the rain--bad animal!"  "It is well I drew the curtain," thought I; and I wished fervently he might not discover my hiding-place: nor would John Reed have found it out himself; he was not quick either of vision or conception; but Eliza just put her head in at the door, and said at once--  "She is in the window-seat, to be sure, Jack."  And I came out immediately, for I trembled at the idea of being dragged forth by the said Jack.  "What do you want?" I asked, with awkward diffidence.  "Say, 'What do you want, Master Reed?'" was the answer.  "I want you to come here;" and seating himself in an arm-chair, he intimated by a gesture that I was to approach and stand before him.  John Reed was a schoolboy of fourteen years old; four years older than I, for I was but ten: large and stout for his age, with a dingy and unwholesome skin; thick lineaments in a spacious visage, heavy limbs and large extremities.  He gorged himself habitually at table, which made him bilious, and gave him a dim and bleared eye and flabby cheeks.  He ought now to have been at school; but his mama had taken him home for a month or two, "on account of his delicate health."  Mr. Miles, the master, affirmed that he would do very well if he had fewer cakes and sweetmeats sent him from home; but the mother's heart turned from an opinion so harsh, and inclined rather to the more refined idea that John's sallowness was owing to over-application and, perhaps, to pining after home. 

4 comments:

  1. "I'm also incredibly paranoid these days, thinking people are conspiring against me, purposefully leaving me out, that they're talking about me etc."

    That sounds all too familiar, you aren't alone in feeling like that :(

    I think in my case it comes from people at school who *did* used to conspire against me and talk behind my back about ways to bully me, I can't let go of the fear it'll happen again. Did anything like that happen to you? I hope you can find a way to deal with it, it's a horrible feeling *hugs*

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  2. No I never was bullied at school really, a few trivial arguments with friends as most girls have just. I have no reason to be paranoid but I really am these days, told the psychiatrist and surprise surprise she upped my meds! It is a horrible feeling, I hope we both find ways of dealing.

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  3. It very much isn't just you, Hannah.

    Google the words 'attachment theory'... it's about the enduring patterns we have in our relationships.

    And RE: the OCD kind of stuff. It's easy to fall into when we feel as unsafe as you described above. Comfort can be very hard to find so sometimes we try to make it ourselves. Even though those methods may not be the most 'sane', it doesn't mean they don't work 'eh.

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  4. Thanks Hannah, I hope so too. It seems that's all psychs can be arsed to do *sigh*. They offered to up mine but I politely declined, had enough of it.

    Take care

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