Thursday 9 April 2009

Me and my paranoia

Bessie had now finished dusting and tidying the room, and having washed her hands, she opened a certain little drawer, full of splendid shreds of silk and satin, and began making a new bonnet for Georgiana's doll. Meantime she sang: her song was--     "In the days when we went gipsying,       A long time ago."  I had often heard the song before, and always with lively delight; for Bessie had a sweet voice,--at least, I thought so.  But now, though her voice was still sweet, I found in its melody an indescribable sadness. Sometimes, preoccupied with her work, she sang the refrain very low, very lingeringly; "A long time ago" came out like the saddest cadence of a funeral hymn.  She passed into another ballad, this time a really doleful one.     "My feet they are sore, and my limbs they are weary;       Long is the way, and the mountains are wild;    Soon will the twilight close moonless and dreary       Over the path of the poor orphan child.     Why did they send me so far and so lonely,       Up where the moors spread and grey rocks are piled?    Men are hard-hearted, and kind angels only       Watch o'er the steps of a poor orphan child.     Yet distant and soft the night breeze is blowing,       Clouds there are none, and clear stars beam mild,    God, in His mercy, protection is showing,       Comfort and hope to the poor orphan child.     Ev'n should I fall o'er the broken bridge passing,       Or stray in the marshes, by false lights beguiled,    Still will my Father, with promise and blessing,       Take to His bosom the poor orphan child.     There is a thought that for strength should avail me,       Though both of shelter and kindred despoiled;    Heaven is a home, and a rest will not fail me;       God is a friend to the poor orphan child."  "Come, Miss Jane, don't cry," said Bessie as she finished.  She might as well have said to the fire, "don't burn!" but how could she divine the morbid suffering to which I was a prey?  In the course of the morning Mr. Lloyd came again.  "What, already up!" said he, as he entered the nursery.  "Well, nurse, how is she?"  Bessie answered that I was doing very well.

2 comments:

  1. First of all I want to thank you so much for visiting my new blog, Stop the Storm. You are my very first outside visitor (not my family). That will always make you special to me, because what I am wanting to do with my blog is to use the information I have gained through experience and research to help others somehow as they walk through their own lives. I hope you come back and visit again - the blog is just now being born.

    I also want to say that I think you are very, very brave. Lots of people don't have to think very hard about their lives unless a trauma or disaster pops up out of nowhere some day. Not like you, or like me. We have to be aware of ourselves in our lives every possible moment. I think we are special that way somehow. It's like life is asking more from us. It is anything but easy to be in our bodies. I know that from experience.

    I wonder about a connection between self harm and dissociation?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi, thanks for stopping by, I definitely agree that it is anything but easy to be in our bodies, many people on the blogosphere know that unfortunately. I think there probably is some sort of a connection at least between self harm and dissociation, interesting thing to think about though. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete