Sunday 10 August 2008

Unknown

ortunately I had had the advantage of being taught French by a French lady; and as I had always made a point of conversing with Madame Pierrot as often as I could, and had besides, during the last seven years, learnt a portion of French by heart daily--applying myself to take pains with my accent, and imitating as closely as possible the pronunciation of my teacher, I had acquired a certain degree of readiness and correctness in the language, and was not likely to be much at a loss with Mademoiselle Adela.  She came and shook hand with me when she heard that I was her governess; and as I led her in to breakfast, I addressed some phrases to her in her own tongue: she replied briefly at first, but after we were seated at the table, and she had examined me some ten minutes with her large hazel eyes, she suddenly commenced chattering fluently.  "Ah!" cried she, in French, "you speak my language as well as Mr. Rochester does: I can talk to you as I can to him, and so can Sophie.  She will be glad: nobody here understands her: Madame Fairfax is all English. Sophie is my nurse; she came with me over the sea in a great ship with a chimney that smoked--how it did smoke!--and I was sick, and so was Sophie, and so was Mr. Rochester.  Mr. Rochester lay down on a sofa in a pretty room called the salon, and Sophie and I had little beds in another place.  I nearly fell out of mine; it was like a shelf.  And Mademoiselle--what is your name?"  "Eyre--Jane Eyre."  "Aire?  Bah!  I cannot say it.  Well, our ship stopped in the morning, before it was quite daylight, at a great city--a huge city, with very dark houses and all smoky; not at all like the pretty clean town I came from; and Mr. Rochester carried me in his arms over a plank to the land, and Sophie came after, and we all got into a coach, which took us to a beautiful large house, larger than this and finer, called an hotel.  We stayed there nearly a week: I and Sophie used to walk every day in a great green place full of trees, called the Park; and there were many children there besides me, and a pond with beautiful birds in it, that I fed with crumbs."  "Can you understand her when she runs on so fast?" asked Mrs. Fairfax.  I understood her very well, for I had been accustomed to the fluent tongue of Madame Pierrot.  "I wish," continued the good lady, "you would ask her a question or two about her parents: I wonder if she remembers them?"  "Adele," I inquired, "with whom did you live when you were in that pretty clean town you spoke of?"  "I lived long ago with mama; but she is gone to the Holy Virgin.  Mama used to teach me to dance and sing, and to say verses.  A great many gentlemen and ladies came to see mama, and I used to dance before them, or to sit on their knees and sing to them: I liked it.  Shall I let you hear me sing now?"

2 comments:

  1. Keep breathing, that's about as real as it gets at times like that. Keeping up pretenses rarely helps anybody but please know that that one solution is permanent whereas the problem is not. Maybe you just haven't found the right answers, yet.

    It's a matter of time, of trial and error, of finding supports that work for you. There are skills you can learn, resources people can help you uncover.

    You are more than this moment, more than this pain, more than all those defeats and troubles life throws at you. You are still here, and through your words of doubt and crisis I hear someone who is still looking for answers the best way you know how. It's bloody difficult, and none of this comes easy, ever but it happens. With time, and commitment and struggle and your last bit of strength, sometimes.

    There is always more to discover about ourselves - more than the pain. We don't always know which way to turn but sometimes we have to go it blind for a while - even when our fears trouble us most.

    (Btw, sorry if this doesn't make a whole lot of coherent sense - I haven't slept in a couple of days but I really wanted to say something.)

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  2. Thanks catatonic kid, I did get what you're saying and I appreciate you saying it. It just seems like either it's taking too long to find the right answers or maybe the right answers aren't out there to be found. But I'm still here, I'm still going so that has to be something at least for this minute in time.

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