Saturday 30 August 2008

Is this life?

ortunately I had had the advantage of being taught French by a French lady; and as I had always made a point of conversing with Madame Pierrot as often as I could, and had besides, during the last seven years, learnt a portion of French by heart daily--applying myself to take pains with my accent, and imitating as closely as possible the pronunciation of my teacher, I had acquired a certain degree of readiness and correctness in the language, and was not likely to be much at a loss with Mademoiselle Adela.  She came and shook hand with me when she heard that I was her governess; and as I led her in to breakfast, I addressed some phrases to her in her own tongue: she replied briefly at first, but after we were seated at the table, and she had examined me some ten minutes with her large hazel eyes, she suddenly commenced chattering fluently.  "Ah!" cried she, in French, "you speak my language as well as Mr. Rochester does: I can talk to you as I can to him, and so can Sophie.  She will be glad: nobody here understands her: Madame Fairfax is all English. Sophie is my nurse; she came with me over the sea in a great ship with a chimney that smoked--how it did smoke!--and I was sick, and so was Sophie, and so was Mr. Rochester.  Mr. Rochester lay down on a sofa in a pretty room called the salon, and Sophie and I had little beds in another place.  I nearly fell out of mine; it was like a shelf.  And Mademoiselle--what is your name?"  "Eyre--Jane Eyre."  "Aire?  Bah!  I cannot say it.  Well, our ship stopped in the morning, before it was quite daylight, at a great city--a huge city, with very dark houses and all smoky; not at all like the pretty clean town I came from; and Mr. Rochester carried me in his arms over a plank to the land, and Sophie came after, and we all got into a coach, which took us to a beautiful large house, larger than this and finer, called an hotel.  We stayed there nearly a week: I and Sophie used to walk every day in a great green place full of trees, called the Park; and there were many children there besides me, and a pond with beautiful birds in it, that I fed with crumbs."  "Can you understand her when she runs on so fast?" asked Mrs. Fairfax.  I understood her very well, for I had been accustomed to the fluent tongue of Madame Pierrot.  "I wish," continued the good lady, "you would ask her a question or two about her parents: I wonder if she remembers them?"  "Adele," I inquired, "with whom did you live when you were in that pretty clean town you spoke of?"  "I lived long ago with mama; but she is gone to the Holy Virgin.  Mama used to teach me to dance and sing, and to say verses.  A great many gentlemen and ladies came to see mama, and I used to dance before them, or to sit on their knees and sing to them: I liked it.  Shall I let you hear me sing now?"

6 comments:

  1. It annoys me when people ask questions about "general sadness," especially professionals, because it's like they don't realise being depressed has little to do with being sad. And people who're supposedly experts in this area ought to know better.

    Were things nearly this bad before the four antidepressants?

    And, try to explore this in your head when you're lucid. Try thinking about one non-destructive behaviour you feel will ease your pain. Anything.

    For me, it was talking (to a shrink, who's paid to listen and not judge) and writing. Getting it out of my system made me feel cleansed. Somewhat. And knowing she listened gave it a (even if faux) someone cares feeling. Which really helped.

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  2. Hey Pundit, thanks for your comments, appreciate you taking the time to read about my mess.
    It's hard to remember my feelings as far back as before all the medication but yes I think things were pretty bad though maybe not as bad as now.
    You make a good point about trying to find non-destructive behaviour that helps, at the moment I'm still searching for one though I think blogging here does help a bit, writing has always been good for me.
    And yes I have family nearby but I can't talk to my parents, we're not close and we don't really get along. That's just the way it is. And everybodywho has never experienced mental illness has a tendency to judge.
    Thank you

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  3. I am glad. So the next time you feel like the urge to hurt yourself is setting in, grab a piece of paper and a pen (or sit at your computer) before the urge overwhelms you. Remember it does help putting it down, and remember there are people—even if they're strangers—who'll listen and can empathise. At least I know I will, and I'll share what little I know.

    I've lost too many years of my life struggling with this, not knowing what to do or having anyone who'd just listen and be supportive to turn to. It was rather terrifying and debilitating. It might not be much, but I don't intend for you to have to deal with this alone.

    (And I know it's kinda besides the point, but you're articulate and you express yourself well. I'm only saying this in case you haven't been told often enough before.)

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  4. Again Pundit thanks, it does help to know that I'm not just talking to myself. It's very nice to know that there is someone out there.
    I think I express myself too much as in I ramble rather a lot these days but it's the way my head seems to be working these days - too many thoughts all struggling to get out and be heard.
    When I can, I write, but, as I'm sure you know, sometimes the pain is just too great.

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  5. I can relate to so much that you have written. To be honest I don't have the hallucinations, but the other stuff feels so similar. Esp the rapid talking etc. Also you post recently about friends who don't understand. I have one so called friend who says "oh just get over it". It's so hurtful, and I wish I could, however, interestingly she drinks most nights, which I find interesting. A few people who have told me they don't understand how I people can get depressed, drink a lot. Seems to me it is just a way of covering up other stuff anyway. They seem to think taking anti-depressants or just admitting to depression is a sign of weakness.

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  6. Hi Kamoke
    It is strange how so many people do seem to see depression as a sign of weakness and then they view taking antidepressants to remedy it as a further sign of weakness.

    I guess it's that so many people don't understand depression and don't understand that it is actually a mental illness and that when suffering from it, you can't just 'pull yourself together' or simply 'cheer up'. I suppose people use lots of different methods to cover up their feelings, like with drinking.

    Admitting to having problems is seen by some people as weakness for some reason. It would be better if everyone admitted to how they really feel and stopped covering up.

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